That's all folks!

Well, since I no longer work at that job, and I've run through all the backlog of saved emails I had, this blog is officially done. Stick a fork in it.

I have more stories...many of them...but they just don't match up to the verbatim insanity of the emails themselves. So I'll say adieu, and thank you for reading this long. All two of you.

Emilio

I've saved the biggest crazy for last. Unfortunately, I did not save examples of any of Emilio's e-mails, which is a shame. They made so little sense they seemed like works of art. If you knew why he wrote MS constantly, you could get bits and pieces, but you generally wished you didn't.

You see, Emilio, who lives in a South American country, believed he was in love with Gates's daughter. He believed he was engaged to her. This started when the child was around 3 or 4 years old. And he would write love notes to her. Creeeeepy.

It was enough to make you want to bleach your brain. The love notes were smashed in with crazy ramblings about the government, America, his upbringing (largely his father's marijuana habit and less savory things) and things no one could interpret.

By the time we in customer service had to deal with Emilio, his history was well-documented. Security and legal were both aware of him, and every e-mail he sent had to be sent to legal as an FYI. We were told never to respond to Emilio, only to forward his e-mails to legal. The few people who had dealt with him already used aliases so he wouldn't have their actual names, and he would bring them up in his e-mails. Which might go from "Hi [fake name here], how are you doing?" to "I had a dream last night that I raped you. I can't wait to come to Redmond so I can."

Yeah. He was scary. And he's probably the only person to carry the distinction of being included in our customer service training by name, with rules for handling just him. For all the nutjobs I had to deal with in that job, he took the cake as the craziest, and the scariest.

Christ Michael, the reprise

If you've read all the posts here, you've certainly heard from Christ Michael before. I have two more e-mails from him, short ones, so I'm going to post them today. Here's number one:
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The Strategy Of Ending Evil - Iniquity Transcendental Check Mate STRATEGY AND TACTICS UNIVERSAL BUREAU OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS UNIVERSAL POLICE OFFICER 1- Flush out all known criminals and secret orders. A- Find any and all involved 'governmental', etc. criminals and expose them by direct force of spiritual authorization. B- Tell them, by any and all means, that theymust face their crimes before the Judge of Almighty Truth. C- Command them to cease from their murders, thefts, lies, and destruction or any and and all crimes. D- Deliver them to the Angels and witnesses of the Jury. E- End Their Existance. [name removed] Universal Police OfficerUniversal Bureau Of Internal AffairsAgent # 611121 D.O.B. [date of birth removed] Soc. Sec. No. [SSN removed] Published On Internet World Wide WebSeptember 2005

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The second one for today:
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Subject: False Internet Post Criminals At Large Salt Lake Sheriff Utah
To: [name and e-mail of somebody removed]
[name and e-mail of somebody removed]
[name and e-mail of somebody removed]

Proof Salt Lake City tried To Hide My Incarceration And refused to Inform Judge [name removed]-
Salt Lake City Justice Of The Peace Court

[name removed] -LDA
Also Tried To Hide evidence



Date I Was Booked: 6/30 Through 7-6-2005

[bunch o' identifying info removed] M W CG THREATS AGAINST LIFE OR ROPERTY-WEAPO SL The sheet said that I was a Weapon Of Mass Destruction @ Gateway Mall SLC,Utah = Accross from The Road Home Homeless Shelter I Have Thier Forged Booking Sheet!! They Have Illegally Arrested Multiple Times. Who will Stop these insane Anti-Police ? [name removed] here is the web site:
http://www.slsheriff.org/html/jail/050705.roster.txt

Christ Michael6111216068x8 Universal Police Officer Universal Bureau Of Internal Affairs [real name removed]

Shocking Xbox

I have no idea why the wonderful gaming device that is the Xbox seems to stick in the minds of the paranoid delusional, but it really just does. Here's another example of it:
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Dear Mr Gates:

I have written to you before in regards to a important issue that I need a answer . Can someone use a illegal application of hardware and or software on a X Box; and say lay it on to of cable wire.Would this send electrical shock to someone ( [name removed]) that being myself. My neighbor above me is using such. I have had the electric Company out twice they have reground the electric to outside ground. The problem still persists. Please advise.

Respectfully:

Confessions

By popular demand (ok, just wiwille) I'm putting another post up here. And this one contains a confession. Well, two.

See, the truth is, I don't do that customer service gig anymore. Haven't for quite some time. I've been posting from an archive of crazy emails that I took with me. And I'm running out.

I have one or two good posts, and maybe one or two ok ones, left. Only a couple of those are actual emails, and a couple are stories. And that's where we start today's real post, and my second confession.
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There were these emails we would get from this crazy lady named Mellisa. She'd send one a week or so. Why we didn't block them, I don't know. They were amusing, I guess.

Melissa's emails were completely incoherent, they would go on about computers and the conspiracy against her and her brother taking all of her belongings and Microsoft doing mind control on her and her dad making her smoke pot and all kinds of stuff.

While her messages got into "downright scary" territory near the end, earlier on they were kind of interesting in a "how does this happen" kind of way. I wish, I wish, I had saved some of them so you could see what I mean, but I didn't. This was before I decided to start saving these things for posterity (all the e-mails you have seen on this blog thus far were collected in about an 8 month period).

At the bottom of every email was a string of letters and numbers that at first didn't make any sense. We never paid attention to it, we just read her crazy ramblings. One day, I took a long hard look at it. It started with M and two other letters - her initials! Maybe this did mean something after all. And I looked across the line of text and realized what it was. An address. She was including her own physical address in every email. It was all run together and was missing letters, but it was decipherable.

And it just so happened that I was going on vacation in a couple of weeks - to the city where she lived.

I wrote down the address and took it with me. I didn't want to, but I felt compelled. On my last day in that town, after I packed up and was ready to go, I drove to the street in the address that was at the end of every email she ever sent us. I walked down the street to the address. It was a big building, and the door to the lobby had "Visiting Hours" and some security policies all over it - clearly some kind of care facility.

I walked across the street and took a picture of the place. Then I got in my car and headed home. Taking that picture was literally the last thing I did on my vacation. After my pictures were printed, I brought them into the office. When I got to the one of Mellisa's building, I told everybody what it was. Groans and accusations of ME being crazier then the nutjobs were thrown around.

I don't have the picture any more - it does no good without the emails to accompany it. But I still have the memory.

Club Shepherd 2005

This is an old one I dug up the other day after looking for crazies to post about. He needs 28 coding errors in the internet patched! Don't miss the "humor" piece at the end that could be read by paying members.

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If you do this, you, personally would receive 3 LIFETIME Badges to delve out to users of your own choice!!!

I know that the Internet has numerous coding bugs/errors! I don't Blame you, but, I require these 28 coding errors to be Patched up! For my, Club Shepherd 2005, to be developed! I know what you are thinking,WHO IIS This punk, Telling US The Internet has flaws! Well, due to MY Dream of, Club Shepherd 2005, I have encountered 3 critical Internet flaws, 1 coding Flaws, that are required to be fixed. I know there are tons of bugs, but I need my coding to be installed in place of the MSN Gaming Zone! PLEASE Respond when you have fixed the coding errors. Thank You

I used to work hard at, Cincinnati Bell and Kroger Headquarters!! For the Nippon Telephone and Telegraph corporation, while I cooped at, Cincinnati Bell Information Services (CBIS). Where I put in 82 hours/1week time frame! Please, send me a Personal Response to this hardest work Request. 1, 7, 25, 50, 100, 250, 500, 1000, coding mistakes I see in the Internet. I encountered 3 critical Errors that MSN Did not fix!

I also need some technical Workers to act like the ++ members on the MSN Zone. 4-17-2003! Well, I did not design this Awesome Work Request, until last 7 months! So, I will give you, until Thanksgiving! How does that sound?

I am so giving to those in need, I offered 15% of my Profit, that I should make to, Hurricane Katrina, of my profits that I receive from, Club Shepherd 2005, goes to those In need!

Can't you take this Work Request into Code design, for me, I was Struck by as CSX Railroad train, coming home from Miami, Oxford, OHio!

We lost the contract with NTT, Not my Fault!

I want this Created for sure as A Small business Work Request. PLEASE IB have it ALL Layed out in a Work Request for you. $19.95, for all NON-KatrinaVictims


Have to end this WR With a Piece of Humor that can be read by ALL Club Shepherd 2005, paying members after the FREE 10 MONTH Trial, period!


[wife's name removed]: [name removed], sweaty, can I offer 2 Pieces of cake to Mrs. [name removed]??

[name removed]: Sure, Just take this piece and cut it n two!!!!!!!!

LOLOLOLOLO

Blame Xbox

OK, this one isn't so much crazy as just a phenomenally bad parent. She wrote in (twice) wanting to know what Microsoft was doing to keep kids from getting addicted to Xbox games, because she can't keep her kids from playing it.
The song "Blame Canada" from the South Park movie just keeps ringing in my ears as I read this.
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Dear Mr. Gates,I have two teenage boys and I am highly concerned about the fact that both children are playing Xbox every single day and can't control the amount of time they are playing. My husband and I have tried to limit the time they play, however, our eldest son (15 yrs. old) has learned how to go get the internet back up and play when we are not at home. Our older son doesn't come out of his bedroom on weekends because he's playing Xbox all day. When he has a friend over, they play until 3 am! We have taken the console away from them and will not give it back until we find out a solution to the MAJOR problem. We have begun doing research to find more information. Please let us know what Microsoft can provide in this problem.
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Thank you for the response. You ask if you have answered my question. The answer is no. You only tell me that you are forwarding my comments for review. That doesn't answer my question about what is Microsoft doing to help young, impressionable teens find the right way in the world. Microsoft Xbox and the violent video games that are sold are NOT a good idea. Do you think if your child and Mr. and Mrs. Gate's children played Xbox for 20 - 30 hours per week that they would find this acceptable. I do not want to hear that it is my responsibility as a parent to monitor their playing time.It has gone way beyond that at this point. These playing consoles are not helping me achieve my goals as a parent. While I did purchase the console and games, I had no idea of the addiction that would have occurred. I am very concerned that the new console which your company is marketing for the Holiday Season, will be another catch for the children. They have already stated that they are interested in purchasing it. I WILL NOT ALLOW ANOTHER PRODUCT SUCH AS THIS IN OUR HOUSE. I do suggest that Mr. Gates write to me and tell me how his children are handling this issue. Once I have a solid, intelligent, and acceptable answer to my question, then I will let you know if you have answered it. In the meantime, I am on a mission to spread the word to other parents and those who have the same problem that we are boycotting Xbox until further notice.
Awaiting your reply.

Christmas time! Let's see what we have...

I was trying to think of what to post for Christmas time, and it occurred to me what with this being Christ's birthday and all coming up, I should revisit the many, many e-mails from "Christ Michael". Enjoy, and happy holidays!
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[names, address, and phone number of ex-wife and her husband removed]I was visiting [daughter's name removed] that day, like I usually did on Saturday, and I told [ex's husband's name removed] and [ex's name removed] that their Gold Rings are basically worthless, just cosmetics, or electronics oriented.I told them that music is valuable because it is with you in the after life and has great beauty.They were so offended that they kicked me out of my daughter's visitation and accused me of being mentally ill.[ex's husband name removed] then followed me through the desert lot and I was filming him with my mini DVDCam. (Canon ZR85)[ex's husband name removed] is guilty of many other crimes also that day. He tried to 86 me from [place name removed].*He also owes about $50,000 in child support, from what I was told by him.*He called ahead to [name removed] Casino, where I arrived on the Bus (I Paid $12 minus $7 refund). I had a free buffet ticket and when I got there the Security Gaurd wearing a Red jacket, who I Know from living in [city name removed], said "you are not coming in here today"!! I could not eat my free buffet.I then went, while still recording some video footage, to sit down to wait for my Bus ride back to [city name removed]. An officer stopped to talk to me and checked out my Camera and said I have not broken any laws.(He knows who I am.)[ex's husband name removed] lied to [ex's name removed]and [daughter's name removed], and also called my former room mate - [name removed], (who I caught Stealing my Urantia Book in my [city name removed] apartment.) and said I could not have my personal belongings back. I already paid [ex's husband name removed] and [ex's name removed] $150 in storage fees and then they promised to return my stereo, bicycles and other belongings.They refused to let me talk to, or visit my daughter [daughter's name removed].Nevada & Utah can now take [ex's husband name removed] and/or [ex's name removed] to Jail.I have been paying almost $500 per month in child support and I have the documents proving Biological Fathership, which [name removed] also signed. I also have a copy of [daughter's name removed]'s Birth Certificate.[ex's husband name removed] has already co-erced [daughter's name removed] on the Internet Gambling Black Jack which is only Legal for 21 Years and older.He taught her Gambling and broke the Law by allowing [daughter's name removed] to push the buttons on the keyboard of his PC to play Black Jack for credits.Nevada Gaming Commission can now Take [ex's husband name removed] To Jail for that crime.Also Child Endangerment, Neglect and Abuse.[ex's husband name removed] told [ex's name removed], [name removed] and I this crime.[daughter's name removed] is 5 years of age.D.O.B. [date removed][names, address, and phone number of ex-wife and her husband removed]P.S. [name removed], of [location removed] was called and lied to by [former roommate's name removed].I have her email address and phone number.She has agreed to be a witness.*I want to regain visitation with our daughter Quincy.Verily,Christ Michael[real name, address, phone number removed]

Reminiscing: The Dead Queue trick

Today's update is a little different: a little reminiscing about my job in customer service, inspired by Blank Top Cab and Bannable Offenses.

As I've mentioned before, I wasn't always an e-mail rep. I used to work the phones.
Back then I was the model of professionalism. I could argue with a customer for 20 minutes and not give an inch if the policy backed me, and even though they'd be swearing at me and calling me all kinds of things, I never got mean with my customers. There are a lot of things a tech support CSR can pull to make your life harder, especially if you're an IT guy and depend on tech support for your job. I knew all of them, but I never went there. But other CSRs did.

One of the favorite punishments: the Dead Queue trick.

See, for just about every product Microsoft makes, tech support has a different phone queue for their phone calls. The CSRs job is to put you in the right queue (once you pay up, or whatever you have to do). Sometimes, a product gets old and they stop supporting. Usually, when they do that, they remember to turn off the phone queue. But not always.

Once in awhile, they would overlook that step. They would train the techs to support a different product and have them logging into that new product's queue to take calls. And the old queue just sat there, unused, because the CSRs new that product was unsupported and would just turn you away.

Until you piss one off.

Let's say you call in because your e-mail server is down, and you're being a jerk. Demanding to speak to a tech right away, one in the good ol' U.S. of A., for godsakes, and you're not going to pay because it's a problem with the product, and on and on and on. And then you call the CSR a "piss-ant" because he can't deliver this miracle support. And this CSR knows that the old queue for, say, Kid's games for the Macintosh is no longer used, but still exists.

He gets all nice, gives you your case number, promises you sunshine and roses, and transfers you. Into the Kids' games for Mac queue. You hear the hold music, you hear the pre-recorded announcements about how you can look for answers on support.microsoft.com. And you will hear that music until you hang up or die, because no one is logged in to take calls from that queue.

I.T. guys are used to waiting an hour or more for tech support. They'll listen to that hold music for a looooong time before they realize something's wrong.